November 9, 2023 Recently, I listened to a presentation by therapist Martha Kauppi, where she discussed six principles that summarize everything necessary for healthy relationships (including all types of relationships, from romantic relationships to friendships, work relationships, etc.). I would like to share these with you now. Admittedly, it may seem a bit like a template contract, but nonetheless, there is truth in it.
- The first and most important principle, upon which all the others are built, is defining who we are, what we truly want, independent of the expectations of our environment, culture, etc. What are our goals, values, needs, etc.? Of course, this requires continuous redefinition throughout life, as even our fundamental sense of who we are can change. This is especially true if we ask ourselves the question from a spiritual perspective... All of this must be communicated to those around us, even if it leads to difficult conversations, and we must be open to receiving messages others send our way. This does not mean we must accept all such initiatives, but rather, we should let them in, engage with them meaningfully, and not dismiss them offhand.
- Safety in functioning: We feel grounded, both in the world in general and in the relationship. In other words, we should have the material, emotional, and spiritual resources that allow us to be stable in various life situations, regardless of the other person.
- Mutual benefit: Both parties should feel good in the relationship, or at least gain some "advantage" from it. Personally, I perceive the concept of gaining an advantage, regardless of the type of relationship, as akin to business dealings, but the presenter used the term "benefit." However, from her explanation, it became clear that this feeling refers to both parties feeling good in the relationship and mutually attending to each other. This is especially important for those who tend to completely subordinate their own needs to the other person and remain in "toxic" situations that always revolve around one party. Lastly, this principle also applies to shaping the conditions and boundaries of the relationship in a way that truly serves everyone involved.
- Consent: The parties voluntarily participate in the relationship and in any related situations, such as conversations, joint activities, plans, etc. Additionally, they are aware of the conditions and boundaries of how the relationship operates.
- Loyalty: The parties are capable and willing to adhere to what they have agreed upon, whether verbally or in writing (although occasionally, even a simple note can help—perhaps Sheldon Cooper is right after all... 😀). The agreement should be viewed as something that can change over time and will likely evolve. In other words, it can be reassessed and renegotiated as the parties require. It is not about sticking to it at all costs, especially if we are doing so out of obligation or bitterness. However, if done with goodwill and positive feelings, that of course is a different matter.
- Worldview: Sometimes, it may be necessary to allow our worldview to evolve in order to fulfill the commitments we have made. In some cases, if our previously subconscious belief systems hinder our conscious commitments, it is worth clearing them up in the subconscious to remove the cognitive dissonance—the tension that arises from the conflict between our conscious desires and our emotional world that does not support them.
Magyar